A Cry For Help
by placidwriter
Summary: AU. She was his reason to laugh at the irony itself because he would die himself being someone else. / Johanna x OC. Croson. Three-shot. [Cover imagine belongs to IsaiahStephens on DeviantART.]
1. Chapter One

**I am trying to branch out my Fanfiction writing so bare with me. Next chapter will be uploaded Sunday.**

**Asa Cross is my OC and Johanna Mason's lover. He will be frequent throughout most of my stories and I thought I'd introduce you all to him through this three-shot. One day I might make a full-length story about his life, his games, and his and Johanna's love story. For now, enjoy this preview?**

**So the run down is three chapters, three books. Chapter One is Pre Hunger Games because he won the Seventy-Third Hunger Games. Chapter Two is during Catching Fire and all that good jazz, with maybe a little on how he felt during Hunger Games. Chapter Three will be MockingJay and possibly a little Post MockingJay as well, y'know, the Epilogue.**

**I tried keep it as Canon as possible but it was unavoidable at certain parts. Johanna is effected greatly because now she does have someone she loves, which effects people like Finnick, Katniss, and so in - in the long run. But the main plots happen - Peeta and Katniss win the 74th Hungers Games, the Quarter Quell happens, Katniss starts a rebellion, the War, District Thirteen. All that good stuff.**

**Anyways, Enjoy! And sorry for the mistakes, it's Unbeta'd.**

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><p><em>"They can't hurt me. I'm not like the rest of you. There's no one left I love."<em>

**A Cry For Help**

**Human**

_But I'm only human_

_And I bleed when I fall down_

_I'm only human_

_And I crash and I break down_

_Your words in my head, knives in my heart_

_You build me up and then I fall apart_

_'Cause I'm only human_

* * *

><p><em>Seventy-Third Hunger Games.<em>

_That was seventy-three years of murder, suffering and agonizing pain that one thousand, seven hundred and three families went through - assuming their was no relations within the Tributes. That was one thousand, seven hundred and three innocent children dead. That was seventy-three children left with nightmares and horror for the years to come before they finally succumb to the drought that their lives hold and just drop._

_And he hated nothing more than being apart of that group of seventy-three children. Why couldn't he be one of the one thousand, seven hundred and three children? They had it so much better, thought one wouldn't assume so. But they had peace and serenity and power. They had _power_._ _The power that no one that survived The Games would ever be able to obtain. The power that no one in the Districts or the Capital or on this earth could _ever_ obtain because those one thousand, six hundred and seventy-nine children all died and never had to face the pain or betrayal or brutality that was life after. They were untouchable and sure, their families and friends grieved but life went on._

_Those one thousand, seven hundred and three children didn't have to face nightmares or anxiety or fears or pain or war or betrayal or torture or anger or hurt or _anything_. Screw the seventy-three children that survived and became _heroes_, and _winners_, and _Victors_. He absolutely loathed that word - _Victor_. At what cost did he and the other seventy-two children pay to become a _Victor_. They sold their souls, their morals were taken and they no longer were they even considered _human_ but simply robots; puppets that the Capital children played with when they were bored._

_He never wanted that life. He never wanted to be anyone other than himself. He only wanted to die himself and he couldn't even do _that_ because he no longer belonged to himself. He was not his own person and never would be - never again. And at what cost? Twenty-three other children dying - one of those children being his only friend - his _sister_? At what cost? Going home to a family he never had and friends he never knew? At what cost? Losing himself in secrets that he never wanted to have nor keep in the first place? At what cost? Waking up every hour and a half because he kept reliving everything that happened during those horrible two weeks? At what cost? Having to sell himself to the devil?_

_The cost would always be love - be her._

_Because she was the reason he was alive, she was his inside on the outside. She was the reason twenty-three innocent children died at his expense. She was the reason his _best friend_ - his _sister _died. She was the reason he went home to no body being there. She was the reason he was tortured with the answers to questions he shouldn't have been asked in the first place. She was the reason he screamed bloody murder and begged no one and everyone for forgiveness. She was the reason he was controlled and silenced and put on a pedestal as someone no one ever wanted to be. She was his reason. And that's why he couldn't ever hate her - no matter how many times he wished he did._

_She was his reason to wake up each morning like he had the best night's sleep ever. She was his reason to smile and wave off the compliments he got - the compliments that he did not deserve. She was his reason to breathe and eat and drink and bathe. She was his reason to keep going no matter how much he wanted to stop. She was his reason to laugh at the irony itself because he _would_ die himself _being _someone else._

_She made him._

_She made him himself. _

_And she also broke him._

* * *

><p>The first time I saw her was when she was reaped in the Sixty-ninth Hunger Games.<p>

I was fourteen and didn't know who she was other than the fact she was known to be highly rude to teachers and ignored every male that ever hit on her. She had wide-set doe eyes that held what I recognized as intelligence and _fake_ fear. She was fairly tall, possibly the same height as me at five feet six inches. Her skin was milky white and scarred with years of getting nicked by the axes while lumbering with her parents. Her mouth was set in a small, shaky frown but I could see the barely upturned grin on the right side. I had noticed her hand shaking when she brought it up to cover her mouth, but the shakes were far too forceful and they didn't feel real. I watched as they somewhat forcefully brought her frail body onto the stage and she looked up at the District's Escort with the same fear in her eyes and she did when she was interviewed by Caesar Fickleman. I calculated everything about her because honestly? I felt like it was all some sick joke.

She was a year older than me, I found out later.

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><p>I normally didn't care for The Games, I usually blanked out while watching them on the jumbo screen in the town square but that year was different - <em>she<em> made that year different. I found myself making it a game of my own, trying to find out what was real and what wasn't. Because she was like a story book on her own, filled with twists and turns that I loved to catch and laugh about on my own because everyone was fooled, the Capital people were fooled but I wasn't and I didn't know it then but I had decided that I would never be. Not when it came to her.

The gasp of surprise that left her lips when she saw all the people during the District Chariot Run was fake. I thought it was real at first because some of them looked beautiful and majestic but really she was just a genius playing the game of an innocent. She looked... odd. Dressed in black slacks and a brown top, her hair in a high ponytail. There was a inflatable ax thrown over her shoulder and honestly, at the time, I thought she looked a bit... stupid. Though I'd never dare say that to her.

The quiver in her lips during her interview with Caesar Fickleman was real but in the sense that he probably smelled bad rather than she was scared of him. She looked innocent it the soft brown dress that filtered past her knees and was low-cut on her generous-sized breasts. Her eyes were bright and her hair was styles back and held with some ribbon. It didn't look like her at all.

Her tears when the countdown from sixty started before the gong sounded to start The Games was also fake and I felt a bit worried because they could blur her vision and that would be her downfall. But of course she knew what she was doing - she knew what she was doing from the beginning. And I hated myself for doubting her ability to win this thing because I knew she would - she _had_ to win.

Her eagerness to get a pack and run from the bloodbath was a hard choice for me, considering. I knew she was eager to get a pack, and that was real, but I didn't know if her eagerness overflew to running away or not. I thought she was itching to stay and fight but logic hit her and she knew she wouldn't stand a chance. It was smart of her because she _wouldn't_ have stood a chance against the girl from Two or the boys from Four and Nine.

The way she ruthlessly killed at day and cried herself to sleep at night was _very_ real. I could see the pain in her eyes and the way her hand twitched just barely whenever she was to make the final blow. She was hesitant. She knew what she had to do to get out of that arena but she also knew where her morals stood. Maybe that's why it hurt so much - because she couldn't detach herself fully, she didn't know how to.

The way she wielded the ax and made a promise to remember the name of each Tribute she killed was the realist of it all. She would recite the name and District of each Tribute she killed every night and as the list grew so did her desperate cried for everything to be over. One stuck out most, the name she repeated that last night. The girl from eight, Freya Vernt - her only ally.

And in the end, I believed that she was real - as a whole.

* * *

><p>When they named her Victor, the entire District cheered. We'd never had a female Victor before and the two we had at the time both won well over ten years before. So, I watched the whole District - men, women, children - I watched them all jump around and cry out in happiness and glee because holy shit if Seven could come out with a female Victor of only fifteen then what else could we do?<p>

I didn't cheer, though.

I smiled, watching as she broke down into sobs and fell to her knees, ignoring the ladder attached to the hovercraft that was trying to pick her up. It was simply beautiful to me that she could play the Capitol, play the Districts, play everyone but _me_. She was perfect in what she did - pretending. She was simply perfect at putting on a mask and hiding all of her anger and rage.

And when she screamed those words, I just wanted to know what made her break. So many questions ran through my brain. Questions I wanted to ask her. Who made her? Who made her herself? Who broke her? Why did she do what she did? What was she thinking the entire time? Who fixed the big fraud? I wanted to know so many things - I wanted to know everything. I was intrigued with three simple words and if that made me fall harder down my already made grave, how weak was I as a person? Who was she? Who was I?

_Who were we?_

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><p>It was four years later that my life turned for the worst.<p>

"Last year," Ally whispered to me, her blonde hair tied in a bun of braids. She was beautiful and many of the boys around the district courted her. Unlike me, who had pale blues eyes and almost white hair, Ally had hair almost as bright as the sun and her eyes were so green it was unreal. Her skin was milk-white and smooth like butter, her smile was heart-warming and when she was was really happy her dimples popped.

I didn't reply, instead just nodding. I still don't know why I didn't reply. I don't understand my hesitation to love my sister while she was still my sister. While she was still Ally and not some capitol creation.

"Stay safe, little brother." She hugged me, her small frame pressed to my lanky, tall form. I didn't hug her back, I didn't cry.

_I did not cry._

* * *

><p><em>"Ally!" He screamed, his blue eyes finding her green one. She looked like an angel. She shook her head, whispering something to him. The smile on her face was beautiful, and her dimples popped.<em>

_He couldn't hear. He couldn't hear her and these were her last words. He couldn't hear her, why? Fuck, why couldn't he hear her? "Ally?" He cried into her chest, ignoring the blood that oozed from her stomach._

_"Stay safe, little brother."_

_"Ally! Ally! Ally! ALLY!"_

_"Stay safe, little brother."_

"Ladies first!" I blinked. Daydream. I daydreamed a lot. Mama used to tell me it was because sometimes my imagination was so big that I couldn't just dream these things during the night - it had to be during the day too.

I looked over to my sister to find her already watching me. She smiled and blew a kiss my way, much to my dismay. I flushed a brilliant red in embarrassment because she had always done that. But she was okay, that's all I wanted - her safety.

"Allison Cross!"

Oh.

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><p>I felt like I was in a different body.<p>

I felt like I was watching the scene play out from a different person's perspective. I didn't feel like I was in my body, there is no possible way I was in my own body, feeling my own feelings, living my own life.

It was impossible and I didn't like it. At all.

Because I didn't do anything when she huffed a stubborn breath of annoyance and grumbled the entire way to the stage. I didn't do anything when everyone looked at me, because they all knew. They knew she was the last of my family and she was my sanity - or, at least, that's what I thought but really _I_ was the last of _her_ sanity - because honestly, I wasn't _okay_. With Ally gone, I was simply an eighteen year old boy that was nothing more than a waste of space.

"Asa Cross!"

Oh.

* * *

><p>"Remember when mom and dad died? And I told you they were in a better place?"<p>

"Ally... please don't-"

"And remember how I told you one day we'd see them again and be better too?"

"Ally seriously-"

"Well it isn't time for you to go see them yet, little brother. Not you, not yet."

"But I-"

"_No_."

"I can't let you die, Ally."

"And I won't let you stop me."

* * *

><p>I didn't feel right, I didn't feel normal - I never did but this time it was different.<p>

I never forgot her or her secret obsession. I'd always watch her stumble off the trains at random hours when I would sneak out at night time. Sometimes her face would be bruised a little and sometimes she'd be crying. I didn't know what she did or where she went - all Victors had free realm to visit other Districts or the Capitol. Sometimes she was gone for weeks and other times it was only a day or two.

I always wondered who hurt her. I wondered _what _made her hurt herself.

Sometimes she would go out to the District Center and just sit. People never confronted her, but they had always noticed her. I would always noticed her.

She didn't have any addictions like most Victors did. Some went on morphine and never went off. Some would drink and drink and drink. Some killed themselves. And some, some that were just like her - they just watched. They'd sit alone because everyone they loved was dead and they just watched others. The others that lived and didn't go through The Games. The others that were too young to be reaped or made it through the ones they had already gotten through.

She was like stone.

She never moved.

She just sat and people watched and never made eye contact with anyone - she just _watched_. Maybe she did what I did. Maybe she made up stories for the people of District Seven. Like the boy who's father owned the Market Store. He was twenty-seven and still not married. Most people in District Seven got married around twenty-three - I'd read about it somewhere. But this boy, Marcus.. he was twenty-seven and as far as the rumors say, he'd never had a girlfriend.

Some people say it's because he liked... _boys_. I personally didn't see the problem with Marcus liking boys but some people did.

I thought Marcus was just in love with someone unreachable at the moment. A girl in my grade, turning eighteen soon. She was pretty enough - bright red hair and golden-green eyes. She frequently went to the Market Store and just sat and talked with Marcus. I figured when she was finally legal Marcus would marry her. At least, that was what it looked like to me.

Anyways, she would watch people like Marcus and just.. breathe. She never moved to speak to the people she watched and they never engaged her in conversation. Sometimes she would help an elderly person with their things or she'd pick a child up if they fell while playing. But she never spoke, just tilted her head as a sign of _You're welcome_ and then sat back down and watched.

She never watched me, though. I'd look her way and sometimes she'd be staring at Ally or someone nearby me but never _me_.

It made me feel as broken as she looked.

* * *

><p>It was weird.<p>

It was like when she looked at me, I was the strongest man in the world - I felt like I had a chance at winning this thing, even if I didn't really want to.

I wasn't her tribute. Johanna trained the girl, which was Ally, my sister. With Blight, who traded off every year. Training me was Enote. He was a buff man that was well into his fifties but looked thirty-two and could have easily broken anyone's neck had he had the will to. Enote was rude, hardcore and didn't give any bullshit advise to me - I honestly preferred it that way.

_"You're going to die."_ Enote told me the first night on the train, a drink in hand.

_"I know."_ I had simply shrugged. I had planned on dying, honestly. I had truly wanted Ally to go home. I wanted her to move on and live her life - find love and get married and have children.

_"Then that's that."_ The gruff man had said, his face in a mask of indifference as he took a swig of his drink and left the room. Left me.

And that was that.

* * *

><p>I had only spoken to her once. It was the night before The Games started and she found me on the roof top, where I was admittedly contemplating suicide.<p>

_"You're not made for this."_ She told me, her voice raspy and her eyes too dark to even really see them. It was the first time she had ever acknowledged my existence.

_"Neither were you."_ I whispered back. I didn't really know, then, why I had said that. But now I realize I said it to tell her I understood. I understood her pain and sorrow and what she went through to get out of bed every morning and whisper that _everything was going to be alright_. I don't know _how_ I knew but I did. I did know more than I possibly should had at that point.

That was it. We sat and watched the stars - they were the one thing the Capitol couldn't taint, I had noticed. _The stars._

She walked me to my room and nodded. I didn't understand what it meant - not at the time and really not even now.

Then she left me. I had wondered if I'd ever see her again. Then I realized I didn't know if I liked the answer to that question.

* * *

><p>The countdown was the freakiest part of it all, I had thought.<p>

I counted aloud, with the woman's voice. A few tributes looked at me oddly. I couldn't see Ally.

"Thirty-six... Thirty-five... Thirty-four," I counted aloud.

Somehow I knew she was watching, counting along with me.

* * *

><p>I didn't kill in the arena. I wasn't that person. Instead I found Ally and was more of the supplier for us. I gathered the food and hid us in the tall trees whenever a Career Tribute was close.<p>

She killed. Ally was fierce and protective. She was swift with an ax. Districts One and Four had taken to calling her 'Mason 2.0'.

I disagreed with that nickname. I disagreed because Johanna was a pretender in the arena and Ally was a pretender in real life. They were nothing alike.

Ally moved fast. She wasn't faking. Ally _liked_ hurting those that would hurt her if she didn't do so first. Ally wasn't okay.

Ally wasn't Ally.

* * *

><p>At night, we sat together in a overly large tree. There were twelve trees in the entire arena. We happened to be in the tallest that night.<p>

She would tell me who in the sky she killed. I would make up a story of their lives back at their home.

"District Three girl. I pounded her face in with the butt of the ax." Ally explained. I didn't stop her. I didn't flinch. I wanted to cover my ears and tell her to just _stop_. She was no longer my sister. She was the Capitol's Tribute, now.

"District Three is technology and things," I said, my voice too even to be considered normal anymore. "She was really smart - top of her class. She fixed things quickly and was liked by everyone in her District. She had a boyfriend, her neighbor since birth. They were best friends when they were little. On her twelfth birthday he kissed her - gently because it was her first kiss. His too. They've been together ever since."

Ally laid her head on my shoulder.

I wanted to push her off.

"Go on." She told me.

"She was sixteen, just turned so last month. He cried when she was reaped. No one volunteered, not even her eighteen year old sister. He proposed to her when saying goodbye and she promised to come home and be his."

"She didn't make it home, though."

"No. And he'll kill himself one day. Maybe after he marries her sister, the one that didn't volunteer. They'll have a few children, name one after her. She'll be reaped like her aunt did and then he'll commit suicide because what's the point anymore?" I continued.

* * *

><p>There was three people remaining - I couldn't remember how many days I'd spent in that arena.<p>

Ally was weak. She'd killed District Four boy. He took out one of her eyes before she gutted him.

All that was left was me, Ally and District Four girl.

I wasn't scared. I was tired. I wanted to die.

I hadn't slept a wink in the past three days.

"Ally?" I asked, my voice raw. They drained all the streams before we had woken up. The Gamemakers planned on that being the last day - definitely.

"Hush." She replied sharply, spinning to face me and holding her spear to my throat. I didn't even blink. She had been more temperamental the last few hours, I had noticed. I had wondered if that meant she would kill me after the District Four girl was gone.

"Well well well, looky what I found. Did I interrupt?"

She shouldn't have even said anything. Ally threw her ax at the girl's head without even batting her eye - hitting her right between the eyes.

She turned and continued walking without a second thought.

The gong sounded.

* * *

><p>"One last story, Little Brother." Ally grinned as we walked to the cornucopia. I wished she didn't call me that. I wasn't her brother any longer. She wasn't my sister. We weren't anything but the last two in the Games.<p>

"One last story." I agreed. Then thought. "She was an average child growing up. She had a mom, dad, little sister and a little brother. Her little sister was about two years younger than her. Her little brother was only a toddler, he probably won't remember her in a few years."

"Pity."

"She was into things that Career Tributes saw weird - reading, poetry, the future. Her mother will shut down, just staring out windows and remembering how she would run around their yard and wait for her father to return home from the shipyard. Her father will turn to alcohol, probably kill himself with poisoning in a few years. Her sister will try to forget her, but end up volunteering in a few years just so she could avenge her sister. The little brother will feel neglected and turn into an anti-social freak. He'll get married eventually and end up abusive, not that anyone care-"

Ally cut me off there, lodging the spear into her stomach. I watched with indifferent eyes for twenty minutes while she bled out.

The gong sounded.

_I. Did. Not. Cry._

* * *

><p>Johanna was there, in the hovercraft. Waiting for me.<p>

I was fine. I had two cuts on my face and a sprained ankle. I was dehydrated and underweight. The doctors left us alone.

It was only when the doors were firmly shut did I finally cry - falling to my knees and hugging her waist. I had buried my face in her stomach and she played with my hair. I didn't talk, neither did she. My breathing was irregular and my sobs were hard, racking my entire body and jolting her around. I don't think she minded much. At least she hadn't made me stop. She only held me, whispering soothing words that only a Victor could whisper because really, only a Victor _knew_.

I didn't cry after that. I didn't find reason to need too.

I made it through the Recap. Caesar tried to ask me questions, but I didn't answer. I made the crowd uneasy. I made everyone uneasy. I wasn't myself, anymore. I wasn't anyone. I wasn't even really there but they couldn't do anything about it.

It was on the train ride home that I finally spoke for the first time since out of the arena. I was sitting on a plush couch, my legs crossed with her sitting in my lap. I didn't let her go when she tried to move. She didn't blame me.

"I wasn't made for this." I croaked.

"Neither was I." She responded.

* * *

><p>District Seven was the same as it was when I left. Everyone cheered and smiled at me because now they had two Victors come home within the span of four years. That only happened to Career Districts.<p>

I rejected the District, walking to the Victor Village and ignoring the cameras. I had hoped Snow would have killed me for it. Sadly, he didn't.

She followed behind me, leaving Blight and Enote to deal with the District and cameras. I let her.

We laid down together and it was only then that I realized I didn't belong to the Capitol like every other Victor. I belonged to her. _Johanna Mason._

The reason I was still me.

I cried again.

She let me.

* * *

><p>"Who am I?" I asked her the day before the Victory Tour.<p>

She didn't answer because she didn't know.

An I was oddly okay with that.


	2. Chapter Two

**This is Part Two, set during Catching Fire. Next chapter uploaded on Thursday.**

**I hope some people noticed the differences. In my version, Johanna won the sixty-ninth Games, not the seventy-first. She also didn't wear a tree-costume during the Chariot Run. I also made it so District Seven isn't a very rich district as it is in the original games. Another thing; Enote is a frequent known Victor here - much like Haymitch was. We didn't know anyone but Johanna and Blight in the Canon. I think in Canon, she was short, too. But I've always pictured Johanna tall, so she's fairly tall in this too. If you caught on to these little thing, bravo.**

**This is where things really change because Asa is here so Johanna's character is portrayed slightly different and well, you'll see. She's still the fireball we all know and love.**

**I'd say to really pay attention to his interactions with Katniss in the next two chapters, although there is only one in this one. I plan on re-writing the Hunger Games in my own version, and Asa will have to do a lot with Katniss' decisions during the 75th Hunger Games and the War. It is somewhat the same here.**

**Sorry for any mistakes; its Unbeta'd.**

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><p><em>"Who am I?"<em>

**A Cry For Help**

**Adore You**

_I'm scared, oh, so scared_

_But when you're near me_

_I feel like I'm standing with an army_

_Of men armed with weapons_

* * *

><p>The Seventy-Fourth Hunger Games triggered the depression.<p>

Two Victors came out clean and safe and I had wondered how two complete strangers who faked love could pull that off but I couldn't even save my sister, my _twin sister_ from drowning in the Capitol's Games.

I instantly resented them. I hoped that Snow would kill them off in a house fire or blow them to bits in a freak accident because District 12 was caked in coal anyways.

But he didn't, and that was his downfall.

* * *

><p>I didn't meet Katniss and Peeta when they visited for their Victory Tour. Enote met them and I think Blight might have too, but I knew if I saw them I would probably end up saying or doing something I'd later regret. And Snow already hated me enough. Plus I didn't want Johanna to go through more bullshit.<p>

Enote told us they were both respectable, that they both seems like '_good kids_'.

Johanna shrugged it off and said something crude about Peeta, only to backtrack and say it must be his eyes that she was attracted to. _"They're so blue, Ace! Like yours!"_ It could have been that. Or maybe it was vulnerability in him. Like me, we didn't win The Games because we could. We won because someone else wanted us to. Maybe Johanna just likes weak men.

I still didn't care for them, in the end. I didn't care for the two Victors or their Rebellion.

(Granted, at the time I didn't know Katniss had started a Rebellion. Though if I was in my right mind and not loathing them for something neither of them could have really stopped, I would have probably seen it. Or at least caught on to it somehow. And really, it was probably the jealousy talking anyhow.)

* * *

><p>Johanna didn't tell me the plan. I knew there was one, the way her eyes lit up and the way her touch burned me. She wouldn't tell me, though. Whether she didn't think I was strong enough or whether it was because she was trying to keep me safe from the Capitol - I don't know.<p>

Either way, there was a plan and I wasn't apart of it.

Well, I didn't know I was, at least.

Unofficially, I was the biggest factor to it all. (Well, Katniss considered me so.)

* * *

><p>When the Quarter Quell was announced, Johanna didn't seem surprised.<p>

Blight was annoyed, grumbling that he was going to die this time. How he knew he was going in, I don't know.

Enote just continued to drink his drink. He shot me a look and rolled his eyes. "Kid, don't even think about it." He yawned.

But I couldn't help but think about it.

Johanna was the only female Victor in our District so of course she'd be going back into The Games. No one else was there to take her place. And then there was Enote, Blight, and me. Fragile, scared, insane Asa Cross.

And yeah, I didn't know the plan. I didn't know anything about what was going to happen. All I knew is Johanna needed to get out and she needed to get out _now_. I couldn't lose her. Not like I did mom and dad and Ally. I couldn't lose Johanna because she was the last string of hope I had in this god forsaken planet.

She had turned to me and gave me a grin. "Don't worry, Ace. I got this." She said easily but she somehow I felt like she _didn't_. Because last time Johanna had the element of surprise. Now, she was just another fake trying to get by.

"I could-"

"Get me sponsors." She replied with a shrug and I glared at her. Another grin was sent my way. "Seriously, Ace. Tell them how good I am in bed." It was meant to be a joke but I didn't laugh with the others.

How could I tell them something over half of them already know?

* * *

><p>The next couple weeks that led up to the Reaping were spent training. I think all the Districts' Victors were in some sense. Johanna was smart, fast. But her strength needed help. Enote helped her the best he could and some of the guys around the District gave her pointers.<p>

It was unofficially decided that Blight would go in with Johanna. I don't know why, but Enote agreed instantly. I don't know if it was because he was protecting himself or if he knew with Blight over twelve years younger than him and exceptionally stronger due to Enote's years of alcohol abuse he'd have a better chance of lasting longer.

I didn't question it.

* * *

><p>When Reaping Day came, the Victors all lined up on stage, seeing as that was easier than us on the ground. This was the District could see us. They could hold their twelve-year-olds and thank whoever for another safe year. The District was all there, watching us like a circus act.<p>

It pissed me off, yes. But I didn't say anything in fear of ruining Johanna's chances of winning. Johanna needed to win.

Our District Escort, Donna Appelin, was overly excited - as District Escorts usually are. It was her first year as an escort and I think now that it was quite ironic because it happened to be her last year as one, as well.

It took her close to three minutes to pick up the one slip with _Johanna Mason_. Her claw-like nails making it harder to grip the fine paper. By then Johanna was standing next to the microphone with a bored look on her face. She wasn't even paying attention as she turned and watched me, saying crude things in the heat of her annoyance. Everyone else in the District looked bored too. We all knew Johanna would be going in so really why even look at the slip?

It was like they were all thinking, _"Hurry up, lady! We don't have the patience to deal with your idiocy any longer!"_

I may have cracked a smile at that, but I don't really remember. I refuse to watch the recaps and my memory of those weeks can be a bit fuzzy at times.

It was like a flashback because sudden Donna was calling my name in her shrill voice. She didn't even finish saying the second vowel before Blight was stepping up.

_"Guess I volunteer or some shit. Can't have the kid going insane on camera."_ He shrugged, sending me a wink. I didn't move much, just blinked at him.

Johanna pushed him off the stage.

* * *

><p>We were on the train, sitting at the table with an over enthusiastic Donna, waiting for Blight and Johanna to make there way over so we could eat.<p>

Johanna appeared soon enough and made her was over to me, plopping down into my lap (much to out District Escort's annoyance, not that Johanna cared much about what anyone from the Capitol thought of her).

"Miss Mason, please. We are about to eat dinner; do take your own seat." She huffed and her annoyance was quite clear. But instead of listening like Donna had hoped, Johanna turned to her with a wide smirk painted on her soft-looking lips. I knew instantly what would happen and if I could have stopped it, I would have. But Johanna was too quick to answer and my embarrassment was clear as day - not only did _no one_ tell Johanna what to do _ever_, but to tell her what to do when it pertains to me? Huh. No.

"This _is_ my seat. Since you're new, I'll catch you up." She shrugged innocently and Enote took a swig of his drink, reminding me of Haymitch Abernathy last year when we were in the control room, him asking us for sponsor money since both our Tributes had died in the bloodbath. Blight scoffed at what Johanna said because there wasn't anything innocent about what was about to come out of Johanna's mouth. "Asa is my _boyfriend_. As in, I sit in his lap whenever I _damn_ well please. This also means we will be _sharing_ a room. And if you hear me_ screaming his name_ sometime during the night - assume that means we'll be _very_ late for breakfast. And if we don't _show up_ until lunch, don't come looking for us. Unless you want to see me going through my seventh or eighth orgasm." She said it as if she were talking to an infant.

Blight made a disgusted face.

Donna looked horrified.

Enote thought it was funny.

I turned red as cherries, Johanna's favorite color.

* * *

><p>When we got to the Capitol, Johanna was in the worst of mood. Most of it had to do with Donna, but the other part of it had to do with the fact that I was in the Capitol. Johanna hated when I was here. She thought it wasn't safe for me to be here much longer than a few hours, if that. She hid that fear, though, behind a wall of complete anger, aimed at our District's Stylists. "I swear to god if they dress me like a fucking tree, I'll kill someone."<p>

"You'll get your chance to do that later," I promised, my face buried in her neck. "Don't fight your stylist. I'll meet you at the elevators after the Run. Okay?"

She nodded, begrudgingly and turned to kiss me with a fiery passion before heading off. Enote smirked, again, and turned to look at me once we were alone. "She'll be the death of you, kid."

"Don't I know it."

* * *

><p>After the Chariot Run (in which Johanna was dressed up as a tree), I leaned against the elevator doors. Snow gave his speech and then the Tributes were released.<p>

Johanna made her way over to me, her eyes dark and angry. "You can't kill her." I said slowly, once she was in hearing range. She scoffed but thankfully her eyes lightened to the soft brown I love so much. "Lets get you changed." I chuckled and we made our way into an elevator.

Inside was District Twelve - Katniss, Peeta, and Haymitch. They all glanced at us and Haymitch nodded with a small smirk. Haymitch always reminded me of Enote. They could be brothers with the way they act, if they didn't hate each other and look nothing alike. "Johanna, Asa." He greeted.

"Drunk," Johanna smirked and I rolled my eyes at her - she even treated Haymitch like Enote.

"Always a pleasure, Johanna," Haymitch grumbled in annoyance. She took it as a compliment rather than him being sarcastic. Although with Haymitch, you could never really tell either or.

As soon as the door closed, she turned her back to me. "Unzip this." She huffed and I sighed, doing as told. Unlike me, Johanna didn't care if someone saw her nudity. I didn't mind because I knew she was mine at the end of the day and really, half the Capitol has seen her naked so what'd it matter. Katniss, though, gave a choked noise and I could help but think for someone who stripped her fellow Tribute down to his underwear in their Games, she squirmed quickly when it came to someone's nudity.

"She does this a lot, forgive." I murmured to make her feel somewhat more comfortable and she turned to look at me instead of my very naked reason. I knew she recognized me by the look in her eyes. The pity, the somewhat fear. The '_I'm sorry about your sister_' look that everyone always gave me, still gives me. The same look our Tributes from last year gave me when we met on the train.

"You're-"

"Yes." I said stiffly. I was District Seven's Crazy. Every District had one, Jaq from One, Wiress from Three, Annie from Four, me, Uho from Eleven, Peeta from Twelve. Every District has a Victor that only won because someone else let them. Every District had someone who was just a bit more vulnerable and weak than the other Victors. The one Victor that shouldn't belong in the bunch.

"Nice to meet you," Peeta said evenly and I glanced him over. He didn't look like a normal District Crazy. But neither did Pria or Wizer or Tally. He'll get there, he'll soon be a regular District Crazy like the rest of us.

"The feeling is mutual." Johanna answered for me, wrapping her arms around my waist and pressing her naked body to my clothed one. One of my arms instantly went around her shoulders and I kissed her forehead.

Peeta and Katniss looked surprised. Most people do because what is Johanna Mason doing with Asa Cross?

Before we stepped out on our floor, I turned to them, feeling the need to give Katniss some advise. "You better run, Girl on Fire." I suddenly got a faraway look in my eyes. "Snow doesn't take kindly to people like... us."

* * *

><p>Scores came in after their individual training a few nights later.<p>

Johanna got a nine, a big difference from the three she got when she first went into The Games - although that didn't surprise me much. She would have probably gotten an seven, eight, or nine had she been real her first Games. Probably didn't surprise many people.

What surprised me most was that Peeta and Katniss both got twelves.

* * *

><p>The interviews were boring.<p>

Cashmere talked about how she wanted to protect her brother, Gloss, and how he was going to do the same - protect her. Gloss talked about how it was far from fair that they were going back into the games when they'd already been through it once. (All the Victors silently agreed - once was one time too many.)

Brutus was annoyed and reminded me of Enote - cold and unforgiving. Enobaria questioned if Snow even wanted this to stop - if the Capitol even loved us, the Victors, like they said they did.

Beetee wondered the nature of the Quarter Quell, why this was even aloud. Wiress confessed that she was scared - but hoped that Snow would see the errors of this all and put it to an end before it even really began.

Finnick read a poem about Annie and everyone in the Capitol thought it was about them, probably. Idiots. Mags mumbled some things, I'm assuming it was about her volunteering when she was well into her eighties but I'm not quite sure.

And it went on. District Five (I didn't know their names, never met them before) complained. District Six (nicknamed the 'morphlings' for obvious reasons) just mumbled some stuff.

Blight argued. Johanna cursed. Woof threatened. Cecelia cried.

Complain, argue, cry, question.

Rinse and repeat.

Chaff was annoyed, calling out Snow, questioning his rule over Panem. Seeder complained that if Snow was so powerful, then how come he couldn't stop this.

"Can't he see how broken up not only the Districts are, but how broken up the Capitol is as well? We've grown to love you all so much - you're family to us. And now you have to watch twenty-three of us die. And for what? Jokes? Kicks?"

Katniss went up and showed off her wedding dress. Peeta said they had already gotten married and that she was pregnant.

The Capitol broke down and that was probably the most entertaining part of it all.

* * *

><p>When the games started I hated it more than before. I hated it all.<p>

I couldn't keep my eyes off of Johanna - who was with Blight and Beetee and Wiress.

I wanted to be in there with her - I should have been in there _protecting_ her.

Everyone (most of the Districts - Calla from Three, Angel and Rita and Eli from Four, Xine from Six, Enote, Halo from Eight, Zander from Eleven, and Haymitch) seemed to know what was happening before anyone else.

I didn't know.

I wanted to know but Enote just kept saying _"you've got to trust me, boy. Jo is alright. Just trust me."_ I hated it.

* * *

><p>Blight died on day two.<p>

He walked into a force field.

I'm not sure if I knew it would happen or not. I knew there could only be one and I was aiming for Johanna.

But the hallow feeling in my heart when Blight's Canon went off, I can't explain it.

He wasn't my Mentor.

He wasn't my Tribute.

He was Blight.

He was my friend, my older brother-figure.

_"He wasn't much, but he was from home."_

* * *

><p>Johanna didn't cry.<p>

Not ever.

Not when Blight died, not when she got trapped with Katniss in the Jabberjay hour. Not when she heard my cries and screams for help, not when I called her name and begged her to let me free, to set me free.

Not when I screamed those three words.

_Who am I?_

* * *

><p>Rita rubbed the the spot between my shoulders.<p>

All the Victors watched me and I vaguely wished Annie was there so she could break down and keep the attention away from me. But Annie wasn't there and Wiress and Peeta were inside the games and I was there.

They waited, waited for me to break down and scream - scream like the Jabberjays had done.

But I didn't.

I couldn't.

_WhoamI? WhoamI? WhoamI?_

* * *

><p>"Didn't I say to trust me, kid?" Enote grumbled that night.<p>

It was midnight, most the Tributes were sleeping so the Mentors were either sleeping, drinking to oblivion, or talking up Sponsors in their _special_ way.

"Where am I going, Enote?" I growled. "Johanna needs me, she-"

"She's the one who ordered this! Now get in the damn hovercraft!"

I listened.

* * *

><p>"Who am I?" I asked no one.<p>

It was dark, Johanna wasn't here.

_Nobody_, a voice that sounded oddly like Ally responded.


	3. Chapter Three

**This is Part Three, set during MockingJay. This is the last chapter of this three-shot and should answer any questions you may have. If not, feel free to message me or leave a review and ask.**

**I said Thursday but shit happens. Like hospitals. **

**Differences, differences. Johanna got trapped with Katniss, not Finnick, in the Jabberjay hour. The elevator scene, that was nice to write. Also the interviews. Notice how Asa didn't mention things like holding hands, or much of the arena? Also, a bit of a look into Victors that Suzanne never made - my favorite being Rita from four, she's close with Asa in the re-write. Johanna _demands_ that Thirteen rescues Asa, that was big. **

**And the last scene, damn. That was important so if you don't remember it, go back and re-read it.**

**So, this is it. The end. I really like this ending and before you think it - Asa doesn't mention a lot of things. That's because this is his life and his views and he's telling you what he things is important. I didn't 'leave things out'. They weren't important here. **

**Anyways, Unbeta'd. I should probably look for a Beta, though, for when I write my re-write. Huh.**

* * *

><p><em>"Snow doesn't take kindly to people like... us."<em>

**A Cry For Help**

**All Of Me**

_My head's under water,_

_But I'm breathing fine._

_You're crazy and I'm out of my mind._

* * *

><p>District Thirteen was horrible, to put it lightly.<p>

In some ways, it was worst than the Capitol. I mean, at least with Snow we knew we were being controlled. We all knew our lives weren't our own and they would probably never be. But at District Thirteen, it wasn't like that. Coin, the President of District Thirteen, liked to play with people.

In most ways, she was worst that Snow. She was power-hungry and I knew instantly that she couldn't be trusted, everyone else (Haymitch, Katniss, Finnick, and Beetee) seemed to agree with me, silently of course but they agreed. We knew a Dictator when we saw one - she could have been Snow's twin.

And no one in District Thirteen knew what was happening. They just let 'Command' tell them what to do. Most people didn't even go to the bathroom without it saying it was allowed on their arm.

See, they had these schedules that you had to follow. They were temporarily tattooed on the inside of your forearm in the morning and then they washed off during your nightly shower. Katniss showed me her's when she came to visit, one time. (She never followed it, though. Instead she went and hid in closets or mine or Finnick's cells. Well, they were hospital rooms but really it felt more like a cell than a hospital room. Besides the beds and television, it was a regular cell.)

Finnick and I didn't get these schedules. Apparently we were 'Mentally Unstable' and therefore unfit to leave the hospital.

I didn't mind, not really. I'd been called crazy since I was young, so it was no difference to me there. Besides, I would have been like Katniss if I was granted freedom anyways. I wouldn't follow the schedules. The difference, though, is Katniss wouldn't get punished because she's the _Mockingjay_. She was the face of the revolution or some shit. Me? I'm just Asa Cross, District Seven Victor and nut-job. Or 'Crazy'. To Panem I'm a Crazy, but here in Thirteen it's nut-job.

But I didn't envy Katniss one bit. She had become Coin's bitch along with Beetee and Haymitch - the only other victors there. Enobaria, Peeta, Annie, and... and Johanna... they all got captured by the Capitol. Apparently that was why Finnick and I were deemed crazy - because we missed Annie and Johanna.

I didn't miss Johanna, though. She was _not_ gone. I missed Ally and my mom and my dad and my pet lizard that I had when I was four. But Johanna? No.

Johanna was just out of reach right at that moment. She would be back, she'd find her way back.

One way or another. She always does.

* * *

><p>"Did you see the propaganda?" Finnick yawned, glancing over at me as he untied his knot, only to retie it. I didn't really know why he did that, I guess it was therapeutic or something? Seemed pointless to me at the time.<p>

"No. I heard it, but I didn't feel like watching." I murmured in reply and ran my fingers through my hair. "Do you think they're dead?" I asked after too long of a silence.

Finnick and I weren't friends. I was friends with Rita and Xine and Halo. Johanna happened to be friends with Finnick, though. I could see how, I mean, they're very much alike. But I didn't feel the same with Finnick that I did with Johanna. I didn't feel the spark and the electricity and the rush I'd get just from being in the same room as her.

And yeah, I get that she was my girlfriend and he was just some guy but I mean... I got that feeling from other people. From Rita and Haymitch and Enote and Calla, even.

The spark of hatred for everyone that's ever done then wrong. The electricity that ripples in their eyes when you would mention someone they've loved and lost or someone they wanted to kill personally. The rush of need to protect those around them for the simple reason of liking how they feel.

Finnick didn't feel like that. Finnick hadn't hurt enough to feel like that. I mean sure, he was sold for sex. But Finnick never lost someone because he refused like Johanna did. Finnick never lost someone for just being like Haymitch did. Finnick never lost someone because it was the wrong time to do the right thing like Rita did. Finnick never lost someone just because like Calla.

"Who?" He asked stiffly and I was brought back from my thoughts. He knew who I meant, of course he did. But that was my out, my _never mind_, my chance to ignore him and drop the conversation before it even started. But I couldn't, I needed someone else's opinion. Katniss wouldn't answer me and it hurt. I didn't want to believe Johanna was truly gone. Forever.

"Everyone. Angel, Rita, Zander, Xine, Calla, Halo, Eli, Enote, Kaano, Wizer, Lena... Annie.. Johanna.." I sighed, closing my eyes. "Do you think they're dead?" I asked again, this time my tone wasn't asking but more needing to know.

I _needed_ to _know_.

Did he think Johanna was gone?

"Yes. I think they're all dead." Finnick murmured before getting up and leaving my room with his rope in tow.

* * *

><p>I kind of shut down after that.<p>

Finnick didn't visit me again and I never left my bed unless I absolutely had to. Katniss visited me sometimes, though I didn't know why. We didn't know each other - the one time we spoke I told her to run.

When I asked her why she came, she answered, "because Johanna told me to."

I don't think Johanna would tell someone she strongly disliked to come visit me but then again, I didn't think District Thirteen was alive and running either.

* * *

><p>"What did you mean when you told me to run?" Katniss asked once when she came to visit.<p>

I looked up at her dully, my eyes glassy and my face more pale than usual. "What time?"

I've only told her to run once.

Katniss rolled her eyes. "You told me to run because Snow doesn't like people like us." She reminded me with a quiver of annoyance in her tone. So I shook my head instantly. "Yes, you did, Asa, you said-"

"I know what I said." I murmured and ran my fingers through my hair again. It was getting long, I had realized. I would have cut it but Johanna wouldn't have liked that. She liked my hair a certain length so she'd always been the one to cut it. If she was dead, would she still mind? I tuned back in to Katniss when she made another annoyed noise. "Not us, as if you and me. Us, as in me and Peeta."

"Peeta?" She murmured. I got her attention for sure, then. Katniss loved few, and Peeta was on the top of the list with her little sister, Prim. Whether she realized it or not, he was.

I nodded.

Then she asked quickly, "why Peeta? What do you and Peeta have in common?"

"Me, Peeta, Annie, Wiress, Wizer, Tally, Vera, Pria, Gona, Uho, Diana, Jaq. All of us have one thing in common." I shrugged. "And Snow hates it." I hadn't realized I had been speaking in a roundabout way, really. But, really, she shouldn't have been so surprised since I was insane and all.

"You're all Victors?" She said in a question form after a minute. I shook my head again. "Other than the blue eyes, that's all I could see you and Peeta having in common, really." She huffed, her annoyance clear as day once more.

I sighed, a bit agitated. "We're all Victors by _chance_." I pointed out for her. She looked confused, so I explained. "We all won our games because someone on the outside wanted us to. We would have never won if someone didn't help us." She still looked confused and I felt agitated. "Annie won because Finnick slept with the head gamemaker so he'd flood the arena - Annie knew how to swim so Finnick knew she wouldn't drown. Wiress won because Beetee begged the other Districts to help him keep her safe once their Tributes died and she somehow outlasted everyone. Uho won because Chaff fell in love with her the minute she was called onto stage, despite the age difference of almost fifteen years between them. Jaq won because Cashmere liked how he looked and carried himself - but as soon as he got into the arena it was clear he should have never Volunteered. I won because Johanna talked Ally into killing herself to keep me alive.

"Peeta won because you couldn't let him die." I whispered finally and she got up and left without a goodbye, much like Finnick did.

* * *

><p>It was Haymitch that told me what was happening.<p>

I guess after my little speech, Katniss agreed to be the Rebels' Mockingjay. But she gave conditions; her family gets to keep their cat, she gets to go hunting with some guy named Gale, they go save Peeta and Johanna and Annie and Enobaria. She gets to kill Snow.

By that time I didn't believe that Johanna was alive.

* * *

><p>I saw Ally in my nightmares a lot.<p>

I didn't sleep well so the doctors would put me to sleep with some medicine that was kind of like the sleeping syrup that Katniss used on Peeta in their games. But this medicine was strong and in pill form. I took two pills and they put me to sleep for eight to ten hours whole.

When I took these pills, Ally visited. Her and mom and dad and Rita and Xine and Halo and people from my games like the girl from Three and both Tributes from District Four and Blight and Enote.

And Johanna. Johanna visited just as much as Ally did.

* * *

><p>Sometimes I would dream of Johanna's cell in the capitol. I would dream of what they would do to her.<p>

Sometimes I would dream of the nameless men and women Johanna slept with to keep me alive.

Sometimes I would dream of Enote and how he would babble drunkenly about his dead lover.

Sometimes I would dream of Blight and how he would treat me like his little brother, the little brother that Snow killed.

Sometimes I would dream of my parents, the way my mother always smelled like cherries and how my father gave me my first ax.

Sometimes I would dream of Rita or Xine or Halo and how they always were friendly towards me, treating me like someone important to them.

Sometimes I would dream of how Ally killed all those people from our Games.

Sometimes I would dream of Ally. Her soft blonde hair and green eyes that matched my father's. Her bright smile and small stature.

Sometimes I would dream of death, too.

Those were my favorite dreams.

* * *

><p>I didn't know Johanna was in District Thirteen, alive, until almost a week after the rescue.<p>

The rescue had been held back because the Capitol bombed District Thirteen. I guess Peeta had warned them or something in some interview with Caesar Fickleman. I don't know the details because I had taken some of those sleeping pills and visited Ally, instead.

I only know they (not we, I am _not_ apart of District Thirteen) got bombed because when I woke up, I was on lock-down in some strange room with Finnick and some guy named Thorn that said he could see the future.

Finnick thought he was crazy but I decided to believe him. I decided I needed to believe in something. And if not Johanna, if not the Rebellion, if not _Katniss Everdeen; the Mockingjay_, if not my doctors, if not _death _and _everlasting peace_, then why not believe in Thorn. Why couldn't I believe in the physic that told me things to believe in?

_"The future is based on people's decisions, Asa. Of course there is the Fates and whatnot that say everything is set in stone. But, the Fates only have our endings. Our endings will all end the same way; the way the Fates have written. But! How do we get there? Decisions. We all make decisions and that prolongs or speeds up our fate."_ He had told me one night, about three days into the lock-down.

I then decided that Johanna was alive, not because Thorn said so, but because I knew Johanna wouldn't just lay down and take it. She wouldn't just _let_ them kill her. Not ever.

Johanna hadn't decided to die so she wouldn't.

After the "bombing mishap", as Plutarch Heavensbee had taken to calling it, they went to go get Johanna.

Well, that's a lie. District Thirteen went to save Peeta because Katniss refused to "look pretty on camera to stop them from hurting us, only for them to torture him because I did it." But they just can't save Peeta and leave Johanna, Annie, and Enobaria. That wouldn't look good on them.

So yeah. They went and saved Johanna.

_My Johanna._

Not that I knew about any of it. I was kept in the dark about everything.

Suddenly, eight days after saving the Victors, I was being dragged into a room by Primrose Everdeen.

_"Katniss went to the Capitol for some mission or another. She used to come visit her but she obviously can't now. We wanted to get Finnick to do it instead, but he's on the mission too. They finally decided you were stable enough, and so was she, to be in the same room together. She doesn't think you're alive, so try not to distress her much. And maybe, if you can, get her to stop asking for morphing."_ She had explained.

Honestly, I didn't know who 'she' was and what was happening. Primrose didn't explain anything to me, at all. All she did was walk me into a room before shutting the door behind us and standing back.

I'd never see Johanna look so _real_ before.

She has her back against the wall, her legs pressed to her chest, and her face buried in her knees. She was rocking slowly and definitely _looked_ insane. Over and over again she would ask, _"who am i? who am i? who am i?"_ - like she was in some kind of trance.

I didn't believe it was her, not at first. That wasn't my Johanna. That was someone else. Her hair was bald in some spots, frizzy in others, unkept and short and long and just _her_. Her eyes weren't the normal, doe-eyed brown that I fell in love with. They were this muddy color and so dark. Almost black. Her skin, normally soft pale and beautiful like white-milk from a dairy goat, was discolored and oddly patched. Like it wasn't her skin on her. She wasn't looking _at_ anything but she was definitely looking _through_ everything. I still don't know what she was seeing but it must have been wonderful because the smile on her face was absolutely marvelous.

"Johanna..." I murmured and took a step forward. Her head snapped up and she got louder in her chants, _"who am i! who am i! who am i!"_

"You're. Not. Real." She whispered frighteningly hallow and then she paused, smiling. "_Asa_." My name has never sounded so beautiful before. "My Asa... you're so beautiful. They told me you wouldn't love me anymore. Th-that I was _tainted_. But you know - you know! You love me, don't you, Ace?"

I went to answer but she screamed and covered her ears. Like Annie did. No, it was more like Vera than Annie. I wasn't seeing my Johanna there, I was seeing some broken form of her.

But broken things can always be fixed.

* * *

><p>Johanna continued to think I was a dream. I ignored my doctors when they tried to get me to go back to my room and just crawled into bed with my reason.<p>

I was therapeutic for Johanna like that string was for Finnick. She stopped asking for morphing when I was with her, and she didn't chant or scream or cry or beg. She just laid down with me and recounted what they did to her at the Capitol. How she would welcome the sleep she got after her beatings because I would visit her. I would hold her and call her beautiful and tell her about home.

_"I wanna go home, Ace. But I'm scared. What if you don't follow me home like you did here? What if you stay here? If I go home will you follow me home?" _She asked one night and I responded easily with, _"I'd follow you anywhere, Johanna."_

She seemed to like the answer, I think.

* * *

><p><em>"I can't have kids."<em> She told me one night, looking sadder than I'd ever seen her. _"They did a lot of stuff, Ace. Doc says they fried my insides and that includes my ovaries. I didn't want kids, because they aren't my thing. But you would've been a great father." _My heart broke further when she started to sob.

_"I wanted to make you a father!"_

* * *

><p>Sometimes we would talk about after the war ended.<p>

_"I wanna go home and bury Blight. And Enote."_ She whispered. I remember her telling me about Enote's death. How they captured him too, all the Victors that hadn't been taken to District Thirteen, really.

_"They brought him in. Him, and then Pria, then Lena, then Fitz. I was in a chair, right after one of my bad beatings so I couldn't really do anything. He looked so bad, Ace, so broken. They broke his spirit, crushed him. He begged for forgiveness, saying he tried to make sure you lived but the hovercraft you were on to Thirteen exploded. Was attacked. He kept saying he'd tell you I love you. Then, they shot him. But not quickly, no, that'd be too generous. They shot him in the leg and let him lay on the floor for seven hours bleeding out. After four, he passed out. I watched him die slowly for seven hours and I couldn't do anything but cry."_

I stopped asking about her time in the Capitol after that.

* * *

><p>I don't know how long it was, after that. Johanna kept believing that I was a dream; a hallucination. I didn't correct her because maybe I was.<p>

_Maybe I wasn't real._

* * *

><p>Days. Weeks. Months. Years.<p>

I didn't keep track by time. I kept track by my hair. My hair grew and grew and grew. Johanna's didn't.

Katniss and Peeta and Finnick and whoever else was on the team sent to the Capitol died. Well, that's what everyone thought anyways. When we watched the clip or whatever on the television, Johanna laughed. So I laughed.

_"Lucky them,"_ she had explained when I asked why we were laughing. _"They get to be free."_

* * *

><p>Turned out that Katniss wasn't dead, <em>obviously<em>. I don't know the details, but they hid out in some Capitol resident's cellar and was going to kill Snow.

Johanna and I were moved to the Capitol for Snow's execution. All Victors who were alive were there. Enobaria, Haymitch, Beetee, Peeta, Katniss, Annie, Johanna, me...

About Forty-Six alive Victors between all twelve Districts and Seventy-Four years. But only eight came out alive.

* * *

><p>Snow and Coin both died.<p>

Katniss killed Coin and was ruled mentally insane, getting sent back to District Twelve with Haymitch. Snow died 'mysteriously'. I asked Thorn about Snow and he just said that "our former president made his decisions."

Live Victors were sent home within the next year after the Districts won the war.

Johanna and I went back and buried Blight and Enote, just like she wanted.

After that, we fixed our broken forms.

* * *

><p>Years later and it's like we still live broken.<p>

She takes morphing every morning. I take sleeping pills every night.

She gets pregnant, but it doesn't last past two months. I cut my hair.

She dreams of Enote. I dream of Ally.

Our lives become a number. Seven hours for her; twenty minutes for me.

She gets pregnant three more times. Only two last. First a boy; he's revenge. Hair copper like Johanna's and eyes sapphire like mine. He's premature and oh-so-tiny but he's perfect in every way possible. Then a girl; she's hope. Long, white-blonde hair and the brightest of blue eyes. She's not premature and is healthy, a gift.

Years after their innocence is shattered, Johanna falls pregnant again. A girl.

She's moving on, healing.

And so, that's what we do.


End file.
